.. Umm.. I Broke the 40's.

Yesterday, I had every intention of not weighing myself till the end of the week. But when I got up this morning I just really wanted to. I weight 139.6.. I mean I'm really happy about it, but it's just odd. I will definitely have more strength and control when it comes to not binging because of this. It's just kind of surreal. I haven't weighed this low since my junior year. That was 4 years ago.

Anyway, I'm updating this from my phone and I'm not going to work tonight. So I'll post more stuff and comment on you guys blogs when I get home.

Okay, So I'm home now and I forgot to tell you guys earlier but I think I'm allergic to cinnamon! I started eating it because I heard it raises your metabolism. Well, I put it in my oats Friday morning and I saw a little hive break out on the right side of my face Saturday morning but I didn't know what it was from. Sunday I woke up and the whole right side of my face was broke out in hives. Then I put some in my oats this morning and now it's on my arms, chest, neck, and face. I'm still not definitely sure it's that, but I'm going to quit eating it and hope that it goes away. lol

Anyway, my food for the day.

And some thinspiration.

Replies:

A.beautiful.mess: Thanks for your comment and you were right I didn't gain. Thank god! lol

Beth: Again, you're amazing. lol Everything you say is always so sweet, helpful and even motivating. 

Anonymous: I believe that's what it was. Actually, if your not restricting and you suddenly start again that actually boosts your metabolism a significant amount (I read it in a study). So I believe it was actually my fast right after all of that calories consumption. 

I Don't Know What To Say..

Sorry for not commenting on you guys' blogs lately.. I've been.. Well eating horribly. I've not been eating more than a normal person would, but I haven't been restricting. My boyfriend makes it so easy.. I've probably gained. However, I have no idea because like I've been avoiding you because of shame, I've been avoiding the scale because of fear.

If I've gained, I'll become depressed and if I become depressed, I'll eat. If I eat, I'll gain and if I gain, I'll become depressed.. An endless cycle..

Anyway, I just got off work and I need to go to bed now because school comes early, but I'll comment on all you guys' blogs tomorrow.

Some thinspiration.

Oh. I fasted today. Coffee, Green tea, and a little bit of skim milk.

A Very Eventful Day.

Okay. So first off I just want to say thank you to A.beautiful.mess for your comment. lol That was a complete vent and I really didn't expect anyone to read the whole thing, but you did and I just want to let you know I appreciate that very much. lol You're amazing. =)

Anyway, I woke up this morning to just my Granny and Pa being in the house, Thank God!! No kids, no aunt, no uncle. Just the Grandparents. I had a nice quiet breakfast (I'm putting up one of those food diary pages again). Then! My Granny informs me of Amazing news! My iPhone 4 has been shipped and will be here on time tomorrow! I was so excited! I still am to be honest. lol This flip, non-full keyboard rinkadink phone is killing me. lol

I got to school and took my world lit class (my only class on Tuesday and Thursday's and it's also the class that is cancelled half the time and I never find out until I drive the 30 minutes all the way there) and I have a test, which I knew about but didn't study for. I'm pretty sure I failed it. However! I got more good news I can drop it and pick up a summer class and keep my scholarship! So I'm pretty excited about that, too.

After that, I took my puppy to the groomers and just messed around town for a while (rented a few movies, picked up my brothers senior pictures, and some socks and fingernail polish).

I'm home now. My aunt, uncle, and the kids are here. One's reading a book to me and the other is sitting with me as well.. I don't want to talk to my aunt at all. She told me to "Stay the fuck away from [her] and don't talk to [her] anymore." So I plan on doing just that. I'll act like she doesn't exist. She's trying to act like it didn't happen, but I refuse to do that.

I'll be weighing in tomorrow morning.

Here's my food consumption and future food consumption of the day.

And some thinspiration. 

Oh! and I'll try to post some pictures of me tomorrow too. Depends on if I have time.

A Rough Few Days..

So I think I've mentioned on here before that my Aunt, her husband, and two kids are living with my grandparents and I because they are between houses.

My uncle is in the military and was stationed in Germany. Well they finally got stationed here at home, but they didn't want to live in their house that they owned the whole time they lived in Germany. They wanted to sell it and live with us while they look for a new house(instead of looking for one when they were in Germany). So all four of them have lived here since August. They were only suppose to be here for a month Tops but they have been here for almost two and the housing arrangement they are planning on following through with will be keeping them here for at least another month…. That would be fine. It really would. I'd be okay with that. BUT her kids are boys, 6 and 8, and they are Horrible kids. I love them to death but she has done a horrible job with them! The 8 year old (mind you he's about to be 9) was having a sandwich made for him for lunch the other day.. We asked him repeatedly what he wanted on it and we finally got everything he wanted on it out of him. Well when we gave the sandwich to him, he immediately asked "Did you put mustard on it?" "Yes. I did." "Did you put mayo on it?" "You didn't ask for mayo" (He screams this part by the way in a why are you beating me manner) "Why didn't you put mayo on it?! I wanted mayo! I said mayo!" This is being screamed at the top of his lungs. They both do this with EVERYTHING. Everything. I get woken up anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours before I get up for school each day by their screaming and hollering over various things. It's ridiculous and inconsiderate on my aunt part.

She also doesn't have a job ither. She's not paying rent and she doesn't help cook, clean, or anything.

So I've been very irritated with this. Well yesterday afternoon we finally had it out. She had no excuses for anything and she lied mostly through all of it. She was like "Fuck you." "Get the fuck out of my face." "Get the fuck out of the house."

Hahahahaha! I laughed at this. I was like "This is My house. I Live here. You are staying here temporarily. I will leave when I want to and if you just can't stand that You can get out!"

She acted like such a child and on top of that she started all this in Front of her children! It made me so angry.

Anyway, that's why I didn't get on yesterday and post or comment. Oh! and I broke my iPhone in an Otter Box! I got so mad and just slammed it down on the counter trying to make a point to my aunt during the fight and it broke it! I have to use a tiny flip go-phone now. I just ordered an iPhone 4 last week though so I'll just be with this phone until Friday. I can't wait until that phone comes in! I'm so excited! ^_^

Anyway, on top of that fight (which I didn't binge after btw ^_^) I weighed 141 this morning.. I will get out of these damn 40's eventually! >.<

I've had over 900 but not over 1000 calories today, so I'm doing okay. =)

Anyway, I don't have to work tomorrow so I'll comment then, but right now I need to go to bed. lol It's calling my name. =)

Some thinspiration.

And Im Back.

I got up this morning and weighed myself. I weighed 140.6!

I'm so excited! I can't still shoot for 130s by Friday and it be doable.

I'll update later. Oh! And thank you guys for your comment! Like I said before, you guys keep me strong.

Looking Brighter.

Yesterday when I posted I was expecting at least a 5 pound gain. But thankfully it was only 2. I weighed myself this morning and I weighed 143 even. I don't think I've ever been so happy with a gain before. I still feel horrible about setting my self back 2 pounds when I should have lost that much, but 2 is better than 5 or more. I'm trying to be optimistic. My weight right now is at 142.4. So my fast has helped with that.

My boyfriend's mother noticed my recent weight loss. She said I looked thinner. It kind of made my day.

My fast has went pretty well. I haven't cheated at all any today. So I'm thankful for that.

Tomorrow is my Granny's birthday and we'll be going out to eat.. She hasn't decided, but unless it's an oriental place I can get a salad anywhere and if it is then I can just eat the miso soup, the salad, and then order some veggie rolls. I think I'll be okay. I'm not going to stress myself out about it. lol I binge when I'm stressed.

Oh I measured my body today too. I'll put them up with my other about my body stuff. I literally want my waist to be the size of my thigh.

Thinspiration for the day.

Binge..

I'm scared of the scales. I'm scared to look at anything on my body from the neck down. I've done so horribly the past few days. I keep telling my self it was the birth control, I didn't take it at the same time everyday for those days and it made my hormones go crazy which made my appetite go through the roof.. But I really know it was just me. I was just me breaking. I feel like I broke everything I had worked so hard for the past month in 4 days.

I'm fasting tomorrow. I took so laxatives and drank a lot of water with them. I'm cleansing. Completely.

I have some new things.. Some are kind of like rules and some are kind of like wants.. But they are major thoughts in my head.. So here they are.

• Have legs that do Not touch
• Have the measurements 34-23-34
• Make and drink green tea with ginger and splenda Every morning
• Lay off coffee because I can't stand to drink it with out skim milk or a creamer
• Have arms that aren't huge
• Eat a handful of almonds and an apple everyday
• Drink more water
• Eat more low calorie, low salt soups
• Add low calorie, low fat spicy foods to my diet
• Eat oatmeal with fruit for breakfast more often rather than eggs and toast
• Add flax seeds to my diet
• Eat more raw vegetables
• Finally be pretty.

That's all I really have to say today. I have to go to bed now, but I'll comment on all you guys blogs tomorrow. Sorry for my absence.. I've been avoiding this out of shame.

Some thinspiration. 

An Uneventful Day.

I got up this morning and started getting ready then my best friend texted me telling me she wasn't going to class today. Well on Tuesday's and Thursday's I only have this one class. So I decided not to go as well. That class is Really boring and I needed to catch up on some commenting anyway and show watching anyway.

So as I'm using my new found free time just messing around on my computer I found this wonderful food diary worksheet on my computer made from Excel. So from now on, I'm no longer going to be writing out everything I eat and bore you guys with the details. So if you want to know exactly everything that passes through my lips you can just look at this nifty food diary worksheet.

I previewed this and you might have to click on it to be able to read it.. lol idk

Anyway, I scheduled an appointment to get my hair cut Thursday. I figured I should since I'm not busy today. My hair is really long. It hits the middle of my back and I'm fine with that. I really want long flowing hair. But my ends are dead and it frizzes at the bottom and I hate that. So I'm getting about an inch taken off. 

I want to go get a pedicure Thursday too, but I don't know if I'd have time to. 

Haha! So I've convenced my boyfriend to cook healthily when I go to see him Friday. I think I'm going to tell him to not invite anyone over, so it can just be the two of us. We're making a veggie pizza. We're using a whole wheat tortilla as the crust with feta cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, and black olives as the toppings. I'll just have one piece.

The thinpiration of the day.

I wish I had the money to buy these legs.. I would do it in a heart beat.

Could Have Been Better.

So after I left my boyfriends Saturday, I didn't eat anything at all until this morning. That was my longest fast I've ever been able to do. 42 1/2 hours.

I wish I would have gotten on the scale and it would have said 139.. However I can't expect to not have consequences from my actions. I weighed 141.0. That's an all in all .2 lbs. gain. Not horrible but more than I'd hoped for.

Anyway, I had an egg(70) and 2 slices of whole wheat light rye toast(60) with 2Tbls. of black olive hummus(35). I also had a glass of chocolate milk(125). I splurged a little, but my Grandparent aren't home and I didn't have time to make coffee.

I'll eat a salad(120) with a diet soda. Then I'll have nature valley granola bars(190) and a green tea(120).

My total intake will be about 720 calories today.

I'll update this later, put some thinspo up, and comment on you guys' blogs later before work.

Okay, so I've done some thinking.. and what I've realized is I'm absolutely Terrified of starvation mode.. I've also calculated up that my body(just my body. like my brain, heart, constantly breathing, my body. No exercise, walking or anything included) used about 900 calories a day just to function. I was on a fast for 42 hours and I understand that I binged before hand, but I still gained..
So I've made these new rules and here they are:

• Every other day eat a Least 900 calories
• Never eat more than 1000 calories on any given day
• Only fast on a days when you can eat less than 900 calories
• One fast a week

I have no definite calorie set for the days I won't be eating a full 900 calories, but that's because it could be anywhere from fasting to 800 calories. 

I don't know if this will work, but I Will Not Plateau!

Today I started the day correctly, however I went kind of crazy earlier. But it was okay because I was mostly under control and I will be ending my day with 900 calories Even. Tomorrow I will eat a lesser amount.

I go back to my boyfriends house on Friday.. I REALLY hope he's not feeling super hospitable and wants to cook again. Last time I went he cooked spaghetti and buscuits. Then the next morning we had omelets and toast.. I Made him pick up some splenda though so I didn't add to all that with sugar in my coffee. I also told him he couldn't cook while I was down because I always eat so unhealthily.. we'll see if that works.

Maybe I can get him to take me out and I can order a salad. I recently fallen in love with low fat balsamic vinaigrette. Oh! and hummus! Hummus is made out of chick peas(which are one of the most fiber backed foods that lack a lot of calories).

The thinspiration of the day.

Her legs are crossed and Still don't touch.. How can that even be possible? I want them so bad..

Ashamed.

I'm not going to even begin to tell you what all I've eaten in the past 48 hours. It's too horrible to even mention. I'm not going to update my weight either because I refuse to step on the scale to see my increased weight.

I'm going to fast again. I start now.. Well really I started about 2 hours ago but you get it. I will not eat again until Monday. I work 4 to 9 tonight. I'll take a lax as soon as I get home and then I'll go to bed. I also work 12 to 9 tomorrow so that should be really easy to not eat.

Monday morning I will update my weight… Also, since I said weekly, I guess put pictures of my substantially large body up then, too.

I can't remember a time that I've felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself. Not just my body, but my lack of self control and my actual Want to eat. I wish I had a loss of appetite button readily available for whenever I needed to Not eat..

Alwell.. I need to start getting ready for work. I'm sorry for my lack of comments on you guys blogs. I don't really have time right now to comment. However, I will after I get home tonight from work. I hope you guys are all doing well!!

The thinspiration of the day.