The New Diet is Going Pretty Well.

Although I'm not really seeing much change on the scale, I'm sticking to it pretty well.

Yesterday I had a Lot of broccoli and hummus. I had an apple and some vegetable soup that I made with green tea all day.

Today I thought I was going to break because I was not in the mood for any of those foods and our banana's were too ripe for my liking. BUT! I didn't. I had an orange this morning( I didn't know we had any lol) and then I had a lot of tomatoes. They were diced up with a bit of tomato puree. Delicious. I also had some green beans as well. I've had a glass of orange juice but mostly I've been drinking green tea.

I see my boyfriend tonight. He'll be getting off work, but alwell. It will be okay. I don't know how long we'll have together, but I don't get to see him again until Thursday. Then the next day will probably be New Year's Eve.

I really hope that I can at least make it down to 130 by then. I want that so badly. I know I only have a few days, but still.

My plan is do the cleanse until Thursday night. Then take laxatives that night to really cleanse everything out, paired with a fast on Friday that will run through Saturday. Then I'll be doing some drinking on Saturday, so I'll need something on my stomach. My plan is to eat two slices of reduced calorie whole wheat bread at 6-6:30pm.

Oh! I also wanted to say that I've found calorie-free Caesar salad dressing! I'm super eager to try it.

Have a good week losing for New Year's you guys!

A Time to Myself and to Update.. Finally.

My boyfriend is down for the holidays so I havent been home much at all. Him, working, and sleeping have consumed all my time. So I'm very sorry for my absent comments on all your blogs. I haven't lost really anything.

I weighed 133.6 yesterday morning. It's hard to eat like I want when I'm around him.

Yesterday I didn't eat anything until that night. I'm at my dads and my stepmom cooked so I had to eat some. But tomorrow I'm not eating anything until about 5:30. I'll eat a whole bag of broccoli with some hummus just before I have Christmas dinner with my dads side of the family. It's easier here because thy are at work until about that time. Maybe I'll be full enough to stick to low calorie stuff like green beans and maybe a couple deviled eggs. No roll and only calorie free drinks. No dessert.

This morning I weighed 133.2. Not much of a difference. Tomorrow I have to get up and go home and then to work. So tomorrow will be a fast of green tea and maybe a few diet soda's.

Then on Christmas I have a dinner with my moms side of the family and my boyfriends after that. I'm going to do the same as today. Right before I'll eat a lot of broccoli with some hummus and then eat as little as possible at the dinner. I don't think we'll be actually having dinner at my boyfriends. I think it will be more or less just opening presents. But still, no eating there.. At all. And that's my plan.

Surely by New Years I can be at least 130. Maybe even in the 120's. I'd be ecstatic if I was 129 or lower on New Years.

The week between Christmas and New Years will be a lot of light eating and never eating after 4pm. I think I'm going to do this cleanse. The rules are you only eat frozen, raw, or steamed fruits and vegetables and nothing else. You can drink water, juice, and green or herbal tea. That's it. Not too hard I don't think.

Anyway, I'm updating this on my phone and it is extremely difficult to comment on blogs. So tomorrow night or maybe tonight after everyone goes to sleep, I'll catch up on you guys' blogs. Again sorry for my absence.

Progress Pictures.

This morning I weighed 134. That's a pretty good improvement at least.

I don't really have much to say today. I don't have anything to do today until 4. That's when I go to work.

However, as promised the measurements and progress pictures. My measurements will be updated on the "About My Body" tab.

.. My pictures. They're still pretty bad..

So Things Didn't Go As Planned.

This morning I woke up and broke down and I weighed myself. However, to my surprise this weekends calories had been kind because I weigh 135.2 now. (Which is the weight on the box of my scale!) So I am now equal. =)

My fast was going good I was able to concentrate on school work, but I didn't have my last class today. So instead of being at home for about an hour and a half, I've had to be here for about double that. About an hour ago I broke and ate.. I've had 80 calories from a drink and at most 396 calories from food.. In one hour I devoured That much.. 476 total..

I'm not eating for the rest of the day though. I have to work from 4-9 and I'm going straight to bed afterwards. No kitchen temptations..

I've recently tied a piece of string around my waist to show me results and keep me from eating too much at one time. I got this idea from a fellow blogger.

I will post all that challenge stuff tomorrow morning though.

Thinspo.

I wish I could look this small a fragile..

Tiny

Beautiful

Small

Porcelain

Fragile

Lovely

Thin

Lithe

These are all characteristics that I want to obtain.

Her name is Nadia Esra.. She's my ultimate thinspo.

I'm Back.. Finally.

So I went to my boyfriend's house this weekend and I had the most amazing weekend with him. I love him so much it's unreal. I honestly can't think of anyone that would suit me better.

However, I was running so late Friday morning I didn't get to weigh myself for the challenge nor does my boyfriend own a scale.. Soo.. needless to say I have no idea how much I weigh right now, but it really can't be good.

I did have an amazing time at his house. It was just him and I with no roommate(he left Friday right after I got there to go to Oklahoma and took the computer. lol) So it was Just us. Haha but since it was Just us we stayed at the house most of the time and watched movies and… cooked. lol I've eaten so much more this weekend than what I would have it's crazy.

I know the Challenge says I should weigh myself and post it today… But I'm not going to. I'm fasting tomorrow and I'm thinking of some laxatives tonight before bed. Tuesday morning, I will get up, weigh myself, measure myself, and take a few progress pictures of myself as well. Then I will post it all. So really I'm just moving everything back a day. I'll be back on track Tuesday!

Anyway, I have to go to work! My fast started about an hour ago. I'm not eating again until Tuesday.

Some thinspo.

Update:

I've typed up the rules for the Winter Challenge. These are mostly the same rules everyone else is going by, but I've changed them up just a bit because of various reasons like: I'm a vegetarian so no meat doesn't have to be a rule, I want to be a bit stricter on how many calories over the limit a day qualifies for a fast the next, I don't have time to exercise but I have a pretty strenuous job to make up for it, and the cheat days have been shortened with more details on the rules. Anyway, here it is! =)

Winter Challenge 2011.

So Sunshinechild has started this new diet challenge called The Winter Challenge 2011 and I have joined it. It would be great if anyone who hasn't joined already would join! The more the merrier!
To get the rules go to her blog. ^_^

But! to my quick weigh in I weighed 135.4 this morning. I just want to say, for those of you who have been reading for a while, that is so close to the weight on the front of my scale box! I have felt so horrible about the number on my scale box being smaller than my number. But 135.2 is so close to my weight and I hope by the end of this week I can be lower than that number!

Some thinspo. ^_^

More Time Than I Thought.

Well it turns out that I do have time to get on here. lol I've run into these times where I can't do homework because I don't have the right programs on my computer to do it on, but I have enough time to post! I have to do all my homework at school.

Anyway, I've had 556 calories today and that has been spread out all day long and I've not been hungry all day long. lol Keeps me from binging if I'm not hungry. I've had hummus on toast(95) and orange juice(110) we need to get new orange juice. This kind has too many calories a cup. I had almonds(161) as a snack between breakfast and lunch. I had a full caesar salad at lunch(130) and I just had broccoli and hummus(60). I think I'm finished eating today. I like the number of calories I've had and I work tonight so it will be easy peasy to eat anymore. If I do eat again, it will be more broccoli hummus.

Oh! and I just have to say, that tastes amazing! It's only 60 calories for 3 oz of broccoli and 2 tablespoons of hummus. I never though about eating hummus with anything, but bread or chip like stuff. Broccoli is good with it though and it fills you up. Everyone should try it. I'm sure other vegetables with hummus would be equally as good, if you don't like broccoli.

Good News.

I wasn't going to post anything for a while, but I got up this morning and weighed myself. So I made time to tell you guys. lol I now weigh 135.6. Even though I can't see this progress, I'm still pretty excited to see the number.

Have a good day everyone!

Homework.

For the next few day's I may not be able to get on here much because of homework, so I'm going to do this quick update and get as many comments in today as possible.

I gained a little over the past week. I now weigh 137.6. However, by this weekend I plan to be at 135.6 at least. I'm fasting today and tomorrow I'll be back on track. All the Thanksgiving food is either to old to eat now or gone. So it will just be healthy foods for me.

My Microcomputer Applications class is killing me. I have a Powerpoint due Wednesday, a take home test due Friday, and Access tutorial's 2-5 due Monday. I also have a Chemistry and Lifespan Development test Friday. On Top of working 4-9 everyday until Thursday.

I'm a little stressed. Maybe me being constantly busy all week will help me not eat and lose weight.

Anyway, I hope you guys are doing great and those of you who did have Thanksgiving didn't let it ruin your progress.

Oh and Christina I AM getting close to that 135 mark and I am very excited about it. I hate that it's been put off because of stupid Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Craziness.

After I woke up this morning I weighed myself. I hadn't lost as much as I thought I would have, but I guess I should be thankful I didn't stay the same or gain. I weigh 136.4 lbs. now.

So the next few days are going to be hectic. My boyfriend will be in town around 12:30, I have to go to work at 4, and Right after work I'm heading to my Dads. I have to be completely ready to go out and packed by 12 so I can hang out with the boyfriend until I go to work. Then I go to pick up my brother so we can drive an hour and 45 minutes to get to my Dads.

Tomorrow I have to get up and be completely packed and ready to go by 11:30 so I can be at my Nana's Thanksgiving by 12. Then leave to drive that hour and 45 minute drive to come back home about 1:30 or 2 to be back in time for my Granny's Thanksgiving by 4.

I won't be getting any rest for a WHILE. lol

I'm not eating after 4 again today and I probably won't eat again until my Nana's Thanksgiving tomorrow. Maybe that will help with Not gaining weight back this week. 

Happy Thanksgiving you guys! I don't know when I'll have time to get back on here for the next few days. So Lot's of weight loss for you all through the holiday!

Some thinspo.

Proof.

After my boyfriend went to work today, I decided to take this spare free time to get on here and make some comment and maybe a new post. However, when I started up the computer something was opened. It was written in word like a journal. I wasn't going to read it but the words "fat" and "women" caught my eye. I began to read it and my self worth started declining to almost nothing. I had eaten two eggs this morning with a biscuit. Not just the white but the whole two eggs with a jumbo buttery biscuit. I had eaten all of it and felt full after. I feel like shit. You'll understand after you read it..

"I'm sitting here at Hastings, studying/people-watching. I live in a peculiar time. As a man, I notice women, naturally, but what I find disheartening is the constant obesity that has been wandering through this time and space. I feel like a real woman should know how to take care of herself, to uphold the blessings of being a human, not to be a cow. Not only here, I see this through my daily life. At school. The women working behind gas stations are typically fat. I'm not trying to state the obvious or be rude, but no one says anything about it. No one cares. No one cares about the obese. The obese don't care about themselves. Maybe being a larger size just makes you more noticeable." 

I know he was talking about the actual women out there who have a BMI of over 30. I just keep reading that third sentence over and over, though. I just keep thinking about why I had to split that second egg and why I had to eat that whole biscuit. I didn't. At the time I was thinking "Alright. I'm drinking diet coke so I'll get fuller faster." That obviously didn't work.

I'm trying harder from now on. I now have hard evidence that eating a lot and being "a cow" does bother the opposite sex and this will be my motivation. 

Finally A Break.

I don't have to go to classes for a whole week! I'm so excited. No getting up early. No tests to study for. Nothing.. Well a little. lol I have a little homework I have to do and a take home test.. But it shouldn't be too hard. =)

I'm going to see my boyfriend tonight again. He's sick and needs babying. lol I miss him like crazy the first few days I don't see him.

This morning I woke up and weighed myself. I'm at 137 even now. I haven't been sticking to my plan, but I'm still losing. So I'm okay with that. I've started not eating after 4pm and I'm drinking a lot of liquids. If I can lose two pounds a week I'll be down to 125 by New Years. I'm pretty excited about that.

The current battle is Thanksgiving.. I have two I have to attend.. I'm thinking maybe a fast the day before.. but then I might be more inclined to binge.. I haven't decided anything yet.

Some thinspo.

I Missed This Feeling.

I got up this morning to officially see how much I've lost this week. I weighed 137.6.  I was so surprised. This being sick thing has it's pro's and con's. Anyway, I have to get ready to see my boyfriend, but I'll update this and make my comments later tonight after I get off work. =)

Two Weeks Straight.

I have been sick for like 2 weeks straight. With two separate things! About 2 1/2 weeks ago my throat started hurting. Well a few days went by and my little hurt turned into a sharp pain every time I swallowed or talked and especially when I yawned. =( So I went to the doctor the doctor last Tuesday and they gave me some antibiotics. I took all of them on the days it told me to and when I was finished with them my throat still hurt a little when I swallowed. The next day my nose started getting stuffy and I started sneezing. Next thing I knew my nose was completely closed and I could breathe out of it and I started coughing which made my throat hurt again. lol

I am completely tired of being sick, but I don't have an appetite now. I don't feel like I'm hungry and I'm not craving anything. It's been like this for about a day and a half now and although I feel sick to my stomach. I think I like it.

I woke up this morning and weighed myself. I'm finally back in the 30's. I weighed 138.8 this morning. I love that. That's exactly two pounds that I've lost and I still have two more days of this week to lose more. 

I'll comment on your blogs when I get back from the doctor today. =)

Some thinspo.

Thin.

When I was a junior in High School, my brother and I had gotten into a big fight over something stupid. He's 2 1/2 years younger than me, so we fought a lot through out our lives. However, what separate this fight from all the other previous ones was my mom's boyfriend had just recently started staying over at our house a lot and with him came his dog. His dog was super sexist and hated women, with the exception of my mom. He would always growl at me when I got to close, but he'd never bite or even just snap. Well during this fight neither my mom or mom's boyfriend was home. It was just me, my brother, and the dog. So my brother is a big boy. He stands about 6ft tall 250lbs. He's a big boy. He's not super fat, although he does have quite a bit of extra baggage, but most of his weight that goes over his ideal weight is muscle. Also, at this time I was about 5'6 and 125 in these really short pajama shorts. A huge difference from him. So here we are. In each others faces screaming, yelling, cursing each other to bits. The dog comes up and starts barking at us. I pay no mind to this. I just keep yelling. Then all of a sudden his barking stops and my brothers yelling stops and my mid thigh is throbbing. The dog had bit me. This is a bigger dog. About the size of a small to average lab. Bit me. My brothers face fills with rage. But not towards me anymore. Towards the dog. I don't care about the dog though. I don't care about the issue my brother and I were fighting over ither. Nor the pain throbbing in my thigh. Just that the bite looked so small compared to my leg. The blood was slowly trickling down my leg and the blood lines were just not big enough. My brother picks me up and carries me to my bed and gets me a rag to put pressure on it. But the whole time I couldn't think about the pain. I couldn't think about the dog. I could only think of how to position my leg so it'd look it's smallest. I couldn't have my over weight to obese family looking at my leg and thinking it was too big.

I can't remember a time after the 6th grade that I was okay with my body. I can't remember a time that I looked in the mirror and said that's good enough. I can't be happy with this body.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I will tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can will be somewhere within 139. 

Replies:

Christina and A.beautiful.mess thank you for always commenting on my blog. I appreciate you guys so much. ^_^

HxX well the ana diet does the zig zag too but it's just too restrictive for me. Eating that little will slow your metabolism down to nothing and when I get to my goal weight I want to start eating healthy and stay thin and fit. Thanks for your comment. =)

9 Hour Work Shift.

So I'm fasting today. This will be my first fast since I've been back. I also figured up a guide to go by. I took the amount of calories I need to maintain this 141pounds (1738) multiplied it by 10 and subtracted 7000 calories from it, because there are 7000 calories in 2 pounds of fat. I then divided that number by seven to get on average how many calories a day I should have to lose 2 pounds a week (738). But if I consistently eat the same about of food everyday, my body will get used to it. So I need up and down days. So today I am fasting. I took the calories I would have had today and put half of them on tomorrows calories and the other half on Thursday. So every two days I have an up. It looks like this. lol

Sunday - Fast
Monday - 1107
Tuesday - 738
Wednesday - 738
Thursday - 1107
Friday - 738
Saturday - 738

I feel like that's a good plan. Each week I will find out my new amount of calories and make a new plan like this. Next week should look like this.

Sunday - Fast
Monday - 1090
Tuesday - 727
Wednesday - 727
Thursday - 1091
Friday - 727
Saturday - 727

It's not much of a decrease, but is enough to continue the 2 pounds a week. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this earlier. However, the only flaw in the plan is how to get back to the "maintain" level of calories for my goal weight when I get there without gaining. On this plan though I should be there by the fourth week in January. I am not taking diet pill or laxatives. When I work I won't add the calories I burn to the calories I can eat. However, if I exercise then I will, but only for that day. So if I exercise after 7 then I won't add them because I don't eat after 7.

Anyway, Some thinspo.

I'm Back.

I've very sorry for my absence, but I'm back now!

My internet was out for a while and in that while I spiraled out of control. So when the internet came back, I was too ashamed to get back on here and admit my shame. Since then I've been eating normally. Not restricting, not healthy yet not unhealthy. I can't deal with this anymore though. I have to keep losing and I need you guys to help me.

I hadn't weighed myself since my last post, but recently I've scored a throat infection! Yay me! This thing sucks. It even hurts to talk. Well I went to the doctor Tuesday. I was anxious the whole time. The first thing they do after they call your name is take you to this huge absolutely precise scale and weigh you. Well, they called my name and I stepped on the scale. I had eaten that morning, I had a cup of hot chocolate milk and some oats. I had all my clothes on. I was terrified. I was expecting 150 again. I was going to be crushed, but maybe that what I needed. Maybe I needed an extra shove. The woman see's in the charts that the last time I was there I weighed 156lbs. so as I'm stepping on she already moving it to 150 to find out where exactly in that 150 range I was. However 150 was too much, she had to bring it back down to the 40's. Instant relief rushed over me, but it still wasn't over. 149 isn't any better than 150. She slowly start moving it down the scale 149, 148, 147, 146. It starts stabilizing but it's not there yet. She stops at 144. 144. After eating, with clothes on it's at 144. Not good, but not near as bad as I'd thought.

I was still too ashamed to face you. I said I'd lose it in a week and come back. I needed to know my real weight though. I needed to know my weight without clothes. So I convinced myself weigh in this afternoon. I've eaten a big bowl of whole grain multibran flax cereal, coffee, and a can of soup. I weighed in at 140.8. That's .6lbs more than my last weigh in.

This whole time that I've been too ashamed to face you guys. I've been close to the same weight as I was.

Anyway, I'm back. The other parts of my life are going great. I have A's in college, I'm getting along with my family, and my boyfriend and I are doing amazingly.

Some well over due thinspo.

.. Umm.. I Broke the 40's.

Yesterday, I had every intention of not weighing myself till the end of the week. But when I got up this morning I just really wanted to. I weight 139.6.. I mean I'm really happy about it, but it's just odd. I will definitely have more strength and control when it comes to not binging because of this. It's just kind of surreal. I haven't weighed this low since my junior year. That was 4 years ago.

Anyway, I'm updating this from my phone and I'm not going to work tonight. So I'll post more stuff and comment on you guys blogs when I get home.

Okay, So I'm home now and I forgot to tell you guys earlier but I think I'm allergic to cinnamon! I started eating it because I heard it raises your metabolism. Well, I put it in my oats Friday morning and I saw a little hive break out on the right side of my face Saturday morning but I didn't know what it was from. Sunday I woke up and the whole right side of my face was broke out in hives. Then I put some in my oats this morning and now it's on my arms, chest, neck, and face. I'm still not definitely sure it's that, but I'm going to quit eating it and hope that it goes away. lol

Anyway, my food for the day.

And some thinspiration.

Replies:

A.beautiful.mess: Thanks for your comment and you were right I didn't gain. Thank god! lol

Beth: Again, you're amazing. lol Everything you say is always so sweet, helpful and even motivating. 

Anonymous: I believe that's what it was. Actually, if your not restricting and you suddenly start again that actually boosts your metabolism a significant amount (I read it in a study). So I believe it was actually my fast right after all of that calories consumption. 

I Don't Know What To Say..

Sorry for not commenting on you guys' blogs lately.. I've been.. Well eating horribly. I've not been eating more than a normal person would, but I haven't been restricting. My boyfriend makes it so easy.. I've probably gained. However, I have no idea because like I've been avoiding you because of shame, I've been avoiding the scale because of fear.

If I've gained, I'll become depressed and if I become depressed, I'll eat. If I eat, I'll gain and if I gain, I'll become depressed.. An endless cycle..

Anyway, I just got off work and I need to go to bed now because school comes early, but I'll comment on all you guys' blogs tomorrow.

Some thinspiration.

Oh. I fasted today. Coffee, Green tea, and a little bit of skim milk.

A Very Eventful Day.

Okay. So first off I just want to say thank you to A.beautiful.mess for your comment. lol That was a complete vent and I really didn't expect anyone to read the whole thing, but you did and I just want to let you know I appreciate that very much. lol You're amazing. =)

Anyway, I woke up this morning to just my Granny and Pa being in the house, Thank God!! No kids, no aunt, no uncle. Just the Grandparents. I had a nice quiet breakfast (I'm putting up one of those food diary pages again). Then! My Granny informs me of Amazing news! My iPhone 4 has been shipped and will be here on time tomorrow! I was so excited! I still am to be honest. lol This flip, non-full keyboard rinkadink phone is killing me. lol

I got to school and took my world lit class (my only class on Tuesday and Thursday's and it's also the class that is cancelled half the time and I never find out until I drive the 30 minutes all the way there) and I have a test, which I knew about but didn't study for. I'm pretty sure I failed it. However! I got more good news I can drop it and pick up a summer class and keep my scholarship! So I'm pretty excited about that, too.

After that, I took my puppy to the groomers and just messed around town for a while (rented a few movies, picked up my brothers senior pictures, and some socks and fingernail polish).

I'm home now. My aunt, uncle, and the kids are here. One's reading a book to me and the other is sitting with me as well.. I don't want to talk to my aunt at all. She told me to "Stay the fuck away from [her] and don't talk to [her] anymore." So I plan on doing just that. I'll act like she doesn't exist. She's trying to act like it didn't happen, but I refuse to do that.

I'll be weighing in tomorrow morning.

Here's my food consumption and future food consumption of the day.

And some thinspiration. 

Oh! and I'll try to post some pictures of me tomorrow too. Depends on if I have time.

A Rough Few Days..

So I think I've mentioned on here before that my Aunt, her husband, and two kids are living with my grandparents and I because they are between houses.

My uncle is in the military and was stationed in Germany. Well they finally got stationed here at home, but they didn't want to live in their house that they owned the whole time they lived in Germany. They wanted to sell it and live with us while they look for a new house(instead of looking for one when they were in Germany). So all four of them have lived here since August. They were only suppose to be here for a month Tops but they have been here for almost two and the housing arrangement they are planning on following through with will be keeping them here for at least another month…. That would be fine. It really would. I'd be okay with that. BUT her kids are boys, 6 and 8, and they are Horrible kids. I love them to death but she has done a horrible job with them! The 8 year old (mind you he's about to be 9) was having a sandwich made for him for lunch the other day.. We asked him repeatedly what he wanted on it and we finally got everything he wanted on it out of him. Well when we gave the sandwich to him, he immediately asked "Did you put mustard on it?" "Yes. I did." "Did you put mayo on it?" "You didn't ask for mayo" (He screams this part by the way in a why are you beating me manner) "Why didn't you put mayo on it?! I wanted mayo! I said mayo!" This is being screamed at the top of his lungs. They both do this with EVERYTHING. Everything. I get woken up anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours before I get up for school each day by their screaming and hollering over various things. It's ridiculous and inconsiderate on my aunt part.

She also doesn't have a job ither. She's not paying rent and she doesn't help cook, clean, or anything.

So I've been very irritated with this. Well yesterday afternoon we finally had it out. She had no excuses for anything and she lied mostly through all of it. She was like "Fuck you." "Get the fuck out of my face." "Get the fuck out of the house."

Hahahahaha! I laughed at this. I was like "This is My house. I Live here. You are staying here temporarily. I will leave when I want to and if you just can't stand that You can get out!"

She acted like such a child and on top of that she started all this in Front of her children! It made me so angry.

Anyway, that's why I didn't get on yesterday and post or comment. Oh! and I broke my iPhone in an Otter Box! I got so mad and just slammed it down on the counter trying to make a point to my aunt during the fight and it broke it! I have to use a tiny flip go-phone now. I just ordered an iPhone 4 last week though so I'll just be with this phone until Friday. I can't wait until that phone comes in! I'm so excited! ^_^

Anyway, on top of that fight (which I didn't binge after btw ^_^) I weighed 141 this morning.. I will get out of these damn 40's eventually! >.<

I've had over 900 but not over 1000 calories today, so I'm doing okay. =)

Anyway, I don't have to work tomorrow so I'll comment then, but right now I need to go to bed. lol It's calling my name. =)

Some thinspiration.

And Im Back.

I got up this morning and weighed myself. I weighed 140.6!

I'm so excited! I can't still shoot for 130s by Friday and it be doable.

I'll update later. Oh! And thank you guys for your comment! Like I said before, you guys keep me strong.

Looking Brighter.

Yesterday when I posted I was expecting at least a 5 pound gain. But thankfully it was only 2. I weighed myself this morning and I weighed 143 even. I don't think I've ever been so happy with a gain before. I still feel horrible about setting my self back 2 pounds when I should have lost that much, but 2 is better than 5 or more. I'm trying to be optimistic. My weight right now is at 142.4. So my fast has helped with that.

My boyfriend's mother noticed my recent weight loss. She said I looked thinner. It kind of made my day.

My fast has went pretty well. I haven't cheated at all any today. So I'm thankful for that.

Tomorrow is my Granny's birthday and we'll be going out to eat.. She hasn't decided, but unless it's an oriental place I can get a salad anywhere and if it is then I can just eat the miso soup, the salad, and then order some veggie rolls. I think I'll be okay. I'm not going to stress myself out about it. lol I binge when I'm stressed.

Oh I measured my body today too. I'll put them up with my other about my body stuff. I literally want my waist to be the size of my thigh.

Thinspiration for the day.

Binge..

I'm scared of the scales. I'm scared to look at anything on my body from the neck down. I've done so horribly the past few days. I keep telling my self it was the birth control, I didn't take it at the same time everyday for those days and it made my hormones go crazy which made my appetite go through the roof.. But I really know it was just me. I was just me breaking. I feel like I broke everything I had worked so hard for the past month in 4 days.

I'm fasting tomorrow. I took so laxatives and drank a lot of water with them. I'm cleansing. Completely.

I have some new things.. Some are kind of like rules and some are kind of like wants.. But they are major thoughts in my head.. So here they are.

• Have legs that do Not touch
• Have the measurements 34-23-34
• Make and drink green tea with ginger and splenda Every morning
• Lay off coffee because I can't stand to drink it with out skim milk or a creamer
• Have arms that aren't huge
• Eat a handful of almonds and an apple everyday
• Drink more water
• Eat more low calorie, low salt soups
• Add low calorie, low fat spicy foods to my diet
• Eat oatmeal with fruit for breakfast more often rather than eggs and toast
• Add flax seeds to my diet
• Eat more raw vegetables
• Finally be pretty.

That's all I really have to say today. I have to go to bed now, but I'll comment on all you guys blogs tomorrow. Sorry for my absence.. I've been avoiding this out of shame.

Some thinspiration. 

An Uneventful Day.

I got up this morning and started getting ready then my best friend texted me telling me she wasn't going to class today. Well on Tuesday's and Thursday's I only have this one class. So I decided not to go as well. That class is Really boring and I needed to catch up on some commenting anyway and show watching anyway.

So as I'm using my new found free time just messing around on my computer I found this wonderful food diary worksheet on my computer made from Excel. So from now on, I'm no longer going to be writing out everything I eat and bore you guys with the details. So if you want to know exactly everything that passes through my lips you can just look at this nifty food diary worksheet.

I previewed this and you might have to click on it to be able to read it.. lol idk

Anyway, I scheduled an appointment to get my hair cut Thursday. I figured I should since I'm not busy today. My hair is really long. It hits the middle of my back and I'm fine with that. I really want long flowing hair. But my ends are dead and it frizzes at the bottom and I hate that. So I'm getting about an inch taken off. 

I want to go get a pedicure Thursday too, but I don't know if I'd have time to. 

Haha! So I've convenced my boyfriend to cook healthily when I go to see him Friday. I think I'm going to tell him to not invite anyone over, so it can just be the two of us. We're making a veggie pizza. We're using a whole wheat tortilla as the crust with feta cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, and black olives as the toppings. I'll just have one piece.

The thinpiration of the day.

I wish I had the money to buy these legs.. I would do it in a heart beat.

Could Have Been Better.

So after I left my boyfriends Saturday, I didn't eat anything at all until this morning. That was my longest fast I've ever been able to do. 42 1/2 hours.

I wish I would have gotten on the scale and it would have said 139.. However I can't expect to not have consequences from my actions. I weighed 141.0. That's an all in all .2 lbs. gain. Not horrible but more than I'd hoped for.

Anyway, I had an egg(70) and 2 slices of whole wheat light rye toast(60) with 2Tbls. of black olive hummus(35). I also had a glass of chocolate milk(125). I splurged a little, but my Grandparent aren't home and I didn't have time to make coffee.

I'll eat a salad(120) with a diet soda. Then I'll have nature valley granola bars(190) and a green tea(120).

My total intake will be about 720 calories today.

I'll update this later, put some thinspo up, and comment on you guys' blogs later before work.

Okay, so I've done some thinking.. and what I've realized is I'm absolutely Terrified of starvation mode.. I've also calculated up that my body(just my body. like my brain, heart, constantly breathing, my body. No exercise, walking or anything included) used about 900 calories a day just to function. I was on a fast for 42 hours and I understand that I binged before hand, but I still gained..
So I've made these new rules and here they are:

• Every other day eat a Least 900 calories
• Never eat more than 1000 calories on any given day
• Only fast on a days when you can eat less than 900 calories
• One fast a week

I have no definite calorie set for the days I won't be eating a full 900 calories, but that's because it could be anywhere from fasting to 800 calories. 

I don't know if this will work, but I Will Not Plateau!

Today I started the day correctly, however I went kind of crazy earlier. But it was okay because I was mostly under control and I will be ending my day with 900 calories Even. Tomorrow I will eat a lesser amount.

I go back to my boyfriends house on Friday.. I REALLY hope he's not feeling super hospitable and wants to cook again. Last time I went he cooked spaghetti and buscuits. Then the next morning we had omelets and toast.. I Made him pick up some splenda though so I didn't add to all that with sugar in my coffee. I also told him he couldn't cook while I was down because I always eat so unhealthily.. we'll see if that works.

Maybe I can get him to take me out and I can order a salad. I recently fallen in love with low fat balsamic vinaigrette. Oh! and hummus! Hummus is made out of chick peas(which are one of the most fiber backed foods that lack a lot of calories).

The thinspiration of the day.

Her legs are crossed and Still don't touch.. How can that even be possible? I want them so bad..

Ashamed.

I'm not going to even begin to tell you what all I've eaten in the past 48 hours. It's too horrible to even mention. I'm not going to update my weight either because I refuse to step on the scale to see my increased weight.

I'm going to fast again. I start now.. Well really I started about 2 hours ago but you get it. I will not eat again until Monday. I work 4 to 9 tonight. I'll take a lax as soon as I get home and then I'll go to bed. I also work 12 to 9 tomorrow so that should be really easy to not eat.

Monday morning I will update my weight… Also, since I said weekly, I guess put pictures of my substantially large body up then, too.

I can't remember a time that I've felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself. Not just my body, but my lack of self control and my actual Want to eat. I wish I had a loss of appetite button readily available for whenever I needed to Not eat..

Alwell.. I need to start getting ready for work. I'm sorry for my lack of comments on you guys blogs. I don't really have time right now to comment. However, I will after I get home tonight from work. I hope you guys are all doing well!!

The thinspiration of the day.

So Close!

Okay this "so close" applies to two things.

1. I Technically didn't get through my fast yesterday. =/ I went to see my boyfriend(which I'll tell you guys about when I have more time later.) and he bought me spring rolls! >.< I was able to hold off at first but then his friend told him I didn't eat at lunch and then my stomach started rumbling.. Anyway I ate some. BUT I really and truly had gone a full 26 hours without eating… Soo.. I kind of did finish a fast. lol

2. I weighed myself this morning….. I weigh… 140.8! lol I honestly didn't think I'd make it. But I'm Sure I can lose .8 pounds by tomorrow. I'm kind of really excited.

Anyway, I need to get ready for my class today. I'll update later for real this time. Going to see the boyfriend was spur of the moment yesterday.

Okay, so I hurried to get ready and chanced getting a ticket by speeding to get to class(25 minutes) just to have class cancelled..

Anyway, So yesterday was pretty amazing. My boyfriends best friend goes to the same college as I do and his girlfriend goes to the same college as my boyfriend. So since his best friend and I go to the same college we usually eat lunch together every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. So here we were just eating lunch and talking and he mentions it's his girlfriends birthday today and that he's going to see her(she and my boyfriend live about an hour away). Then he offers to take me and drop me off so I can see my boyfriend. Haha I was like that's no amazing to pass up. lol So although it was a fasting day I still went to see him. We took a long walk, just chilled for a bit then watched a movie. It doesn't sound amazing, but I just love to be around him so much.

Anyway, I'm going to eat as often as possible but as little as possible today. I plan on keeping my metabolism going all day, but only to take in about 450 calories today.

I started off the morning with an egg(70), toast(60), and coffee(10). I wanted a decent sized breakfast to start it up. lol I have 310 calories left. I'm feeling a salad soon. I might get a whole one(120) again and split it up into two meals like I did the other day. Then I'll have my granola bars(190) and I'll eat them a few hours apart too. So I'll be having 450 calories split into 5 meals. I think that sound good. My last meal will be at 5. I hate eating really close to the time I'll be heading to bed. Food just sits on your stomach all night when you do that. So I'll eat at 12, 1:30, 3, and 4:30.

Maybe I can stick to that.

Thank you Kes and Fat Piggy for your comments. I'm so excited to be in the 140 range.

The thinspiration of the day.

A Day of Fasting.

I weighed myself this morning and the scale said 142.4. Lol Finally. But after this fast I should be able to get down to 140 but Friday. I hope. Lol

I quit eating yesterday about 3:45. I drank a 16oz drink that was 25 calories and I'm drinking another one now. I'll get a green tea in a bit. Idk how many calories are in that one. It's out of the vending machine here at my college.

I'll update this later today. ^_^

A Pitiful Lie.

So I got up this morning and weighed myself. I lost .4 pounds. That's not enough. I want to be 140 by Friday. I go to see my boyfriend that day. So I Need to be 140 by then. I weigh 142.8.. so it should be possible.

He made the comment last night that he loves every part of my body. I know he was just lying to make me feel better though. He accidentally insulted me. Well.. Let me just tell you the story.

I was looking at Halloween costumes and I said the Harley Quinn one was an option. His response to that was, "Baby, your boobs won't fill that suit up. It will be baggy." My thoughts: You know.. I know the various sizes of my body.. Better than anyone really. I look at this blob of a body every fucking day, Multiple times! My response, "I know how big or small I am in all the areas of my body! I know I have small boobs. I know I have thunder thighs the size of Texas, Each! I know what looks bad on my body. I don't need people telling me what I shouldn't wear." That's when he apologized, "Baby, you don't have thunder thighs. I love every part of your body." Yeah… He knew he messed up and just wanted to make me feel better.

Anyway, I started looking up starvation mode this morning and it got me scared of decreasing the speed of my already slow metabolism… I'm so stupid. I ate a half bowl of honey nut cheerios with skim milk and half a no bake chocolate cookie for breakfast with a full glass of cranberry juice(half juice, half water). I have no clue how many calories I consumed.

For lunch I decided to get a salad. I usually get a half salad(60), but I decided against the parfait so I got a full salad(120). I've eaten half of it with a diet coke and I'm full. I'll eat the other half just before work. Then on break I'll have a green tea(120) and if I'm super hungry I'll have my granola bars(190).

I am fasting tomorrow. Only coffee(skim milk and splenda only), green tea, juice(watered down half and half), and diet soda are allowed.

HeatherMB: Thanks. I really hope so. My recent weight loss has been slow..

Christina: Haha you're welcome. Yeah I try to keep it under 700 but sometimes I go over. Thanks. I got that for my 18th birthday. =)

William: Don't ever worry about your comments being too long on my blog. =)

Run: Haha I Very much doubt I'm smaller than you. You also have to remember I carry my weight in my hips, thighs, and butt. lol And those pictures I don't have the guts to post. Yeah I felt like shit after that lady said that to me..

The thinspiration of the day.

The Box.

So I got up this morning and weighed myself. I'm feeling all nervous yet hopeful that I'm below 142.4. No. I'm not I Knew my dads scale was full of crap! There was no way I'd lost That much weight over night. >.< I really weigh 143.2. So then I started putting it back in it's box(I have kid cousins living with us and I don't want it to get messed up. So I keep it in it's box, in my room) and the picture of the scale on the box said 135.2....... It was teasing me. Haha you're so fat, you aren't even skinnier than the average number we put on the box! Whatever. Let them have that number. I'll be lower one day and I'll laugh at the number 135.2.

Anyway I had an egg, toast, and coffee this morning. 140 calories.

I'll update this later before work.

Okay. So my calorie intake is at 330( I ate a salad and parfait for lunch) and it's almost 1pm. I'll have granola bars(190) for break/supper with a glass of snapple green tea(120) and end my day with a total intake of 640 calories. =)

Run, Karolina, and Kes: I know! I hate not being able to see the changes!! And a lady I work with a few days ago made the comment that she would think that I would be skinnier since I've been a vegetarian for 3 years……. Thanks for that lady. lol

William: No. I know EXACTLY what you mean and I feel awful for thinking that too, but it's Their Fault! I tell them all the time what's bad for them and what good. Haha most days I give little nutrition lessons in the middle of conversations, hoping one day it will stick enough for them to try to start being healthy.. But it doesn't.. I just know they are cutting their life so short by consuming all that horribly unhealthy food and teaching the kids to do the same. They are all going to get type 2 diabetes, heart disease, or have a stroke and die. They don't see it like that though. I don't know what to do..

A.beautiful.mess: I usually see my siblings that live away from me once a month, but this time I went about 2 so it was overdue to see them. The boy drama is over with now. I really thought we were about to be over but everything turned out okay. Ugh.. My scale said I gained a pound! =/ But I might not have even been that pound lighter because I was using my dads scale when I weighed myself.

Thank you all for your comments! You guys make my day! =)

The thinspiration of the day.

I would kill for legs like that..

Oh! and I've decided to start doing weekly pictures so maybe I'll be able to see a difference. Here are my first two.

P.S. I'll start doing leg pictures when my legs aren't so Huge. I'm embarrassed of them at the moment. =/

Just Another Day.

I didn't get a chance to weigh myself this morning before I ate. I don't feel like I look any skinnier. This is so stupid! The scale says the numbers are dropping, which is good don't get me wrong, but I still look like I weigh 155!! My arms are still huge, I still have thunder thighs, and my hips are still as wide as Texas! When will I start Seeing results. I want them so badly.

Alwell.. Anyway I ate and egg(60) with toast and jam(70) and coffee(10) for breakfast. I'm eating a veggie wrap with sweet vinegar and olive oil dressing and no cheese(219). I'll be drinking green tea for the whole day and I'll have Natures Valley granola bar with a Snapple green tea(310) later for supper/break. I should be ending the day with 669 calories today.

I'll weigh in tomorrow update any changes.

Oh! and I just want to thank every one for their comments and support. I'm able to do this and stick to it because of you guys.

molly-sauras-rex: I used to not weigh myself all the time. I'd hold off to every other morning or even every morning but here lately I've been weighing myself every morning and every night. I didn't get a chance to this morning but I'm itching to go in there and weigh myself. I just don't want to see the after eating number. lol I think I will start trying those before and after pictures though! =) I didn't even think about that. lol

The thinspiration of the day.

Update:

So I've gone over what I said I was going to by 90 calories. I ate a half of a cheese sandwich and a coffee right now, so I can stay up to study. 759 isn't too bad.

It Doesn't Seem Believable.

Oh! just to start off, lol my sister just called me and guilt tripped me pretty much. Haha I have two sisters, 5 and 11 years old, and the 5 year old was like "Sissy, when are you coming to visit us?... I miss you sissy." lol It broke my heart. In despite of me having to work today, I went to see them yesterday and I'll be leaving to go to work around 1:30. My parents are divorced and remarried. My Dad has been remarried twice, so I have a lot of siblings. I'm the eldest, but my oldest brother and my youngest brother live with my Mom and step-dad. Then my two sisters live with my Dad and step-mom and I have another brother from my Dad's second marriage and he lives with his grandparents. Like Me! =)

Anyway.. Now that you guys know my life story. lol

I got on the scale about 10 minutes ago and I saw a number that doesn't seem quite believable. It tells me the same thing everytime I get on it though. Yesterday after I ate it said 148 and I was like well I just ate and I have clothes on, so lets wait until just before bed. Well I didn't eat after about 7 and I weighed myself without clothes and it said 145. I just stepped off that thing and it said 142.4 with out clothes on. I don't know if that's true or not. It's saying the same thing every time though and usually when one is broken or something it says different things.

Actually.. I've given it a few minutes I'm going to go weigh myself again and then I'll tell you if it says the same thing so I'll know for sure if I've really lost that much. It said 142.4 again. lol I guess that's what I weigh now. I'm happy that I lost, but I'm not seeing any change on my body.. I'm kind of bumbed.. I thought I'd feel a little bit better about my body by now.

Alwell.. The thinspiration of the day.

God.. I want those legs so bad..

Going to See Dad.

My little sister called the other day and broke my heart so I'm going to my Dads for a night. I have to work tomorrow but I can come back and make it I think.

I ate an egg, toast, and coffee(130) this morning and for lunch I had a diet coke and a 1/4 of a salad(about 35). That lady put Way too much dressing on it so I just couldn't eat it. I ate 4 crackers(45) to tide me over. I just ate some soup(140). So I won't be eating when I get to my Dads.

I haven't weighed myself today, but I will tomorrow morning and update my weight.

Haha I made my boyfriend spend like 2 hours yesterday searching stores for a cute purse and make up bag. We finally found one. I'll put pictures up of it sometime. Oh and my new wallet too.

I'm going to go do a few comments and then go pack.

The thinspiration of the day.